Trains

There is a rail track near a place where I stay. It runs through an otherwise deserted stretch of land.

At the dead of night, a train or two would rush through the tracks like a bolt of lightning...headed for its next destination. It looks interesting pitched against the darkness of the stretch of land.

I remember being in many such trains in my childhood. Sitting inside, looking at the darkness fly by with occasional silhouettes. I was never really sure where I was at those moments. Only thing I knew was from where I had left and where I was headed.

Looking at these trains rush past from afar, I feel like shouting out the location to the passengers. Not that they want to know anyway. I perhaps hope that someone like me sits there...wanting to know the place which he is passing by and may not ever come back again.

Maybe its time for me to step out of the train and listen to my own voice telling me where I am and then maybe the destination or the place I left behind wouldn't matter anymore. Maybe what would only matter will be the present where I am there...both on the train and outside looking at the train. Where everything becomes one and it all makes sense and you know where you are.

Don't remember

I don't remember.
Everyday is passing by without me realizing it. Like for example, I love the weekends when I get a break from my work. Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday morning, I feel bad thinking it was so good Friday evening when I was expecting the weekend to arrive soon. Then by the time its Sunday morning, I am already in a foul mood that its going to be Monday the next day.
I have personally stopped valuing days. I keep looking ahead or looking back without paying the slightest attention to the present. I keep things planned for future which I almost never end up doing. Life is weird. I don't understand who or what gives us the guarantee of this tomorrow which is about to come and lets not discuss the past.
So going back to the not remembering bit, I seriously don't remember much of my life. Its been 22 years and I can recall only a few handpicked incidents when in the 22 years I have done so many things...or have I? Maybe i haven't. Maybe I have wasted most of my time thinking about my past and future rather than doing something worth remembering. Also, most probably, the incidents worth remembering are mostly incidents which have happened to me unexpectedly...
So basically, i haven't planned and executed a memory at all. Ive just been lucky to have a few memories. Otherwise, my 22 years have passed me by without me really grasping on to each minute, each second. Soon in exactly the same way, I will be 44 and then 66 (If I'm lucky). I hope I have things to remember then because then, I will only be able to remember and today, trying to remember, I felt I dont remember as much as I should remember. 22 years=365x22days=365x22x24hours=365x22x24x60mins=365x22x24x60x60secs. If I try to breeze through all my memories, it will probably be that last 60 which I wrote. Baffling. How my life got summed up in a small 60 sec trailer. Question is whether these 60 secs are worth remembering? Have I made sufficient things happen for myself. Do I have enough memories? Did I create enough memories? Did I live my life?

Insecurity

I feel insecure sometimes. So does everyone else. Probably its because we have something which we don't want to lose.

Its a refreshing feeling when you think of it like that. What is the point in living if there is nothing to live for?

Every morning I wake up and go about my normal course of work knowing that what I treasure the most is safe and sound. Sometimes, when I feel otherwise, I just don't feel like doing anything. Its normal to be insecure but the question is how insecure can you be?

I have seen many who are very insecure and their very existence is riddled in fear of losing. They are quite common a breed. What are their lives like I wonder. It must be difficult to lead a normal life. Still, that is what they want to live like and I don't want them to think otherwise. Maybe unlike many of us, they have something to live for. Something which they fear they might end up losing. And maybe, thats the way to live.

With every insecurity comes hope of course. Hope that everything is fine and will be fine.

I remember a day in my life, when I had lost a water bottle of mine which I liked quite a bit. I had left it by a pond. A few of my friends had gone their later to look for it as i stayed far away, but they couldn't find it. I never went back to the pond later because I taught myself to feel that the bottle is still there by the pond just as I had left it. I feared if I go back to look for it and didn't see it there, I would feel bad. Fear of losing something which i know is lost. A peculiar insecurity of my life.

Probably I'll head back there soon to check on it and maybe I'll not find the bottle there, maybe not even the pond...its been that long. However, what I will realize is that I have grown up and am not that insecure anymore. I am happy with what I have and hope that everything will remain with me forever which again I know is never going to happen.

Too complicated? Great. Precisely my intention.

We build our own world

Its a oft quoted proverb "Man is the master of his own destiny". I always believed this proverb to be the key to all successes. Once when my mom visited an astrologer, he said. " This boy will create his own destiny. If he chooses to self destruct, he will. If he sets out to achieve what he wants, he will. in both cases, nobody can stop him, except he himself."

The more days I live, the more I realize the value of this proverb. It can't be all fate, can it? That would make life damn lame dont you think? I think most of i is decided by us. We decide, and if there is a God, he just agrees or disagrees...but if the endeavour is right, most of the times, he is quite understanding I think.

Mistakes

Mistakes are very common. We commit numerous mistakes everyday. Sometimes we learn from them and sometimes...well we just dont get a chance to learn.

The important thing to infer from the above line is that mistakes are possible. No matter how fatal the consequence of it may be, it is possible that we commit a mistake.  So why the big deal about getting worked up about everything when mistakes are so normal. So sometimes, it is also advisable we take a step back and realize that not everyone is always at fault. Maybe there is a reason behind a person's mistake. Maybe we could have committed the same mistake had we not been lucky. Maybe that ought to help us go easy on a person at fault and help the person recover from the mistake instead.

I think it is time we stopped looking at life and reflecting on the mistakes and instead start believing that mistakes are possible and well...we got to live with them.

Memories & Questions

Its amazingly soothing when you gaze at rain. It brings back memories. Everytime. Sometimes, a question arises, if only we could go back in time. But just like the rain, memories are beautiful and soothing but gets lost as soon as you realize the parched reality.

I have been plagued by thoughts which I dont have answers to. Sometimes, maybe answers are not what I am looking for. Maybe its the questions. I am looking for questions that has never been asked. We always look for a way out, a solution. Maybe we should start living our questions and let the answers take care of itself. If the answers are inevitable, then we shouldn't really worry about it. I want to just live my questions and maybe when its time, i will have my answers.

For now, I just want to watch the miracle drops tap dancing on my window pane and relax my mind and take me back in time to the memories I want to relive and cant and ponder why I cant. There is a pleasure in being able to be in our memories secretly, already knowing the consequence. Maybe we can actually go back...or maybe its just a memory.

Committing the same mistake all over again

Has it ever occured to anyone that sometimes most of us repeat our mistakes even though we are aware that they are mistakes. Maybe all mistakes are not stepping stones to success. Maybe we want to commit these mistakes because we dont want to learn from them. Knowing fully well how exactly things pan out, we still go ahead with our pursuit to do what we feel is right and know is wrong.

Delving deeper into the context I can also suggest that maybe it is to relive the previous mistake that we go over the experience again. Can someone actually be nostalgic about mistakes? I guess yes although it does stretch the borders of nostalgia. Well, at the end of the day...memories maybe good or bad, but they are memories after all and nobody can question the incessant desire to go back in time and experience the memory all over again. For bad memories or mistakes, maybe its just an attempt to fix the wrongs. We all know how that works out.